Most of 2015 for me was about finding myself back home to myself. 2013 and 2014 had been intense, a truly emotional and spiritual awakening time for me. So many old wounds and limiting beliefs came to the surface. For the first time in my life I was gaining clarity into who I truly was and what I wanted from life. It was a roller coaster of a time for me and while I was coming to terms with how and why my life had unfolded the way it had.
In 2013 I had graduated from a profession that I thought I needed to study to get a well paying job that would provide financial and emotional stability in my life. I thought I had arrived at my destination after years of dreaming, studying, wishing and hoping that this job would answer all of my problems. But what I found was an incredibly competitive job market and very little employment opportunities. My ego was shattered, petrified and unable to make sense of the situation I now found myself in. And with the uncertainty of my future and all that I had dreamed would come true, I spent 3 long and difficult months bed ridden filled with anxiety and despair.
It wasn't until I was completely broken open and surrendered to the universe that I saw internal shifts start to manifest in my external world. I started going to workshops, meeting like minded women also passionate about health and wellness and helping others that I was able to recognise all the new possibilities and opportunities that I was experiencing. By the end of 2013 I had enrolled in IIN and in February 2014 I had started my health coaching course.
During the next 12 months, I learned, I absorbed and I filled up my soul with all that I had been searching for. At the time I didn't realise the journey that I had begun, it was a fairly organic and natural process and I just continued to follow what light me up. I was following my curiosities, passions and anything I knew my soul was calling me to experience. Whilst I was on the journey to find my true passion and purpose it was during this time I was also experiencing a lot of emotional pain from my relationship. Things were beginning to unravel and it was becoming harder everyday to ignore my intuition. I felt like I no longer was the person I used to be when we met. Even during the early phases of my transition I was resisting, holding on to and resisting the changes that were unfolding with every fibre of my being. It was because of the struggle, the resistance and the denial I felt that it was a really difficult emotionally draining and heavy experience.
As time went on I found myself starting to live two very different lives. One minute I was drinking green juices, meditating and planning my health coaching business while the next minute I was enjoying fancy dinners, drinking cocktails and dancing the night away with my boyfriend. Whilst I think it is perfectly ok to have a balance and enjoy the best of both worlds, I just felt like the lifestyles were not aligned with the person that I had become. I am still so grateful for all the beautiful, fun and adventurous experiences I got to share with him but unfortunately the number of good days were being heavily outnumbered by the bad. We were on and off trying to make it work, but it just became too painful, heartbreaking and worst of all completely disconnecting from my truth. By the end of 2014 I was burnt out, unable to continue living two lives and at this point I made the decision to end the relationship.
Whilst we spent a few weeks apart, by 2015 we had reconnected and were communicating and loving one another on a whole new and much deeper level. For the first time in my life I had connected to myself on a deeper, more spiritual level and the journey of my transformation had allowed me to open up to greater love. We shared some magical and truly beautiful experiences together, and I finally thought that some how we could make it work.
Unfortunately as the months went by our communication deteriorated significantly and I slipped back into old ways. I clung on to the relationship with fear and anxiety and so the vicious cycle of emotional turmoil began again.I was allowing myself to be treated poorly, with little respect and little commitment. I couldn't connect the dots between my personal feelings of lack of self worth and the external reality of the relationship. The external experiences that I was manifesting were a huge reflection of my inner world and the constant battle in my mind. I continued to live in denial and resisted everything the universe was trying t communicate to me. That was until I ended up with a broken toe half way through last year.
At this point I knew something severely needed to change and so again I ended the relationship. We spent the next 6 months and the remainder of 2015 going backwards and forwards and things just became even worse. By December we had lost all ability to communicate and simply weren't willing to listen to each others frustrations. For so long I had tried to stop his pain, to save him from his own problems whilst at the cost of my own health and happiness. I realised that much of last year was a distraction, my ego's unwavering attempt to keep me from my truth and allowing me to live my most authentic life aligned to my values, beliefs and passions.
It's been a truly emotional, deep and spiritual journey for me so far. As I share this with you today there is still a lot of sadness, pain and frustration that I feel for what I have experienced with the breakdown of my relationship. I know with time, self compassion and a whole lot of love and nurturing for myself I know that I will come out the other side a better person, who through my personal journey will be able to help navigate other people through their own transitions.
Please remember this pain, fear of the unknown and the process of difficult change and transition you may also be experiencing is here for your highest self.
Everything happens for you not to you.
This process of change and transition is not linear, defined or perfectly clear all the time., as I have shared from my personal experiences. It is only through making mistakes, falling over and picking ourselves up again that we truly begin to grow and evolve. It is our willingness to choose again that defines the course of our journey and all of the beautiful lessons we are here to learn from life.
Please share with me in the comments below anything that has resonated with you, I would love to hear your thoughts on the process of change and transition.
If you are feeling called to work with me to help you through a difficult change or transition in your life I have just opened up a limited number of 1:1 coaching spots for February. For further information you can find my coaching packages here or you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for further information.
Love Jasmin xx