So I've been single almost 7 months, I can't believe how fast the time has gone! It feels like it was just yesterday I made the decision to let go of what was no longer serving me. In that time I've felt fear, loneliness, heartbreak and mourned the loss of what I thought was going to be a long and happy relationship. I've looked fear in the face, stood tall and braved the storm that has been an emotional, vulnerable and absolutely freeing experience.
At the beginning there were times I was a mess barely being able to listen to an old favourite song of mine, or unable to go to my favourite restaurant without choking back the tears. I've gone from being so angry at my ex to being at peace and finding forgiveness, to being angry all over again. I've processed, analysed and tried everything I can to push myself through this phase of the breakup and to feel over it so that I can move on. But what I've learned is that I can't force it to go away- not my emotions, not my understanding of what happened and not even my memories.
Everyday I find myself growing, expanding and evolving while learning about life, love and most importantly about myself. For a long time I was trying to change my ex. I wasn't happy with the way he treated me, or what he did in his spare time. We spent a lot of our time disagreeing about things, arguing and trying to force our way of thinking on each other. I was emotional all of the time, I couldn't think straight, my health took a downward spiral and I felt like I had become the worst version of myself. I found it hard to balance all aspects of my life, I didn't make enough time with my girlfriends, my work was suffering and I was trying to establish my health coaching business whilst being in the absolute thick of it in my relationship. For a long time I didn't feel authentic because of the fact that I was trying to hide this dark cloud in my life. I felt like a fraud and I just didn't know what to do.
Time went by and I found myself stuck in the same cycle- love, passion, excitement, fear, doubt, problems, drama and forgiveness. I tried to make him change, to at least see things my way, and to resolve our problems by communicating with one another but it never worked. I tried to resolve conflict his way-ignoring our problems and hiding them under the carpet until there was no more space to shove our problems, but it only made me more miserable, depressed and unhappy.
Among so many things I learned the one thing I have so far been able to comprehend (except for the fact that we can't change people no matter how hard we try!).
Relationships are our teachers. Their purpose is to break us open, release old wounds, heal, love and expand our understanding of ourselves.
I learned that we can't force anyone to change if we are not open to changing ourselves.
And with that thought I knew I had to end things, not because of what he had done, but because it was my chance to heal old wounds. It was a chance to break through the barrier of unworthiness that I had been feeling for so long and break the cycle of emotional abuse that I had been experiencing, not only in that relationship but also previous relationships.
It's been a roller coaster 7 months but with each day, love, growth and understanding of myself I am navigating the road of singledom. Right now I am at peace with where I am at in my journey. Everyday I gain clarity, understanding and make peace with my choices. I am learning to trust myself in a way that I have never trusted myself before and to back myself no matter what anyone else says. My intuition is stronger everyday and I am learning to connect deeply with my body. While it scares the crap out of me not knowing what the future holds right, I feel that for the first time in my life I am ok with that. While I am focusing on myself and creating a life that I want to live, I am leaning deeper into surrender and trusting the process. And as each day goes by I am connecting, reflecting, and returning to love instead.