The last 6 months have been full of big internal shifts for me. It's been a continuous and long journey which has seen me grow spiritually and ultimately shift some massive beliefs that were no longer serving me. I'm so glad to have finally manoeuvred through the resistance to share with you what has been happening in my world as of late...
We all have one particular area in our lives that shines the light on and reflects back to us old wounds, and limiting self beliefs that no longer serving us. Finances, careers, friendships, relationships or education can be the way in which we are dealt lessons in life. Of course we don't experience growth and spiritual awakening in just one area of our lives. But for me relationships have been my biggest teacher, and the last six months have been no exception.
The last 2 years I have been in an off and on again relationship with my boyfriend Mitch. And while friends and family know it hasn’t been the easiest of relationships for me it has definitely been the most transformative for me. We met at uni about 3 years ago, during a difficult time in my life, and it was because of him that I was able to move through old wounds and pain from my previous relationship. He has taught me so much about life but most importantly he has taught me to love again, enjoy life and not take life too seriously all the time. He has reminded me to do what you love and to never stop learning. I have always admired his sense of adventure and his ability to dive head first into a new hobby or passion. In many ways he is so different to me but at the same time we are very much the same. We are both strong, stubborn, passionate, creative, love learning new things and follow our hearts to do what makes us happy.
In the first few months of our relationship things were great, we got to know each other on a deep level and spent countless hours talking about random stuff and listening to our favourite music. It was a few months in and my insecurities started to appear. Fear, old wounds and insecurities were boiling up emotionally inside me, and it started to show. No longer was I the happy, funny and confident woman that I had previously been. I became anxious, worried and full of fear. Worst of all my controlling self had reared its ugly head. All of these emotions had a reason and a purpose and boy were they turning up the volume! It wasn’t just my stuff that was coming up; Mitch had been facing issues too. As it turns out we were providing a mirror for one another and were learning so much about ourselves, which at times were confronting.
I decided I need some support and so I invested time and money into working with an amazing counsellor who specialises in holistic counselling which are both artistic and play based therapy. We spent over 12 months working together working through a lot of old and past wounds that I had not healed. She helped me release and clear many emotional blocks and was amazing in helping me during my spiritual awakening.
Mitch and I's relationship were up and down for a very long time, it was a really stressful time in my life. Some days were harder to deal with than others but I stayed true to myself and allowed myself to express all of my emotions. I believe I went through the motions of clearing many emotional blocks in my life but one remained. See I was still playing the victim in my life and allowing an old story to play on repeat every day. My story was that I didn’t deserve a great relationship where I felt continuously supported and loved, and so for many months the pain continued. I felt lost, confused and unsure of how my relationship with Mitch was moving forward.
It was towards the end of last year that I found myself hugely triggered again. I was an emotional mess, and growing unhappiness in my relationship meant that things between Mitch and I had become even worse. We had tried many different ways to make the relationship work without much luck. It was 2 weeks before Christmas and I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I had spent months clinging and holding on to a relationship that wasn’t working. So with a lot of heaviness in my heart I decided to let go and end the relationship. I came to realise that letting go was the only way I was going to respect and honour myself, it was what I needed at the time. It empowered me to make a decision that was right for me. I surrendered to the universe and allowed myself to be open to whatever the universe had in store for me. I realised that the more I was holding on to the relationship the more it wasn’t working. The more expectations I had of the way things SHOULD go rather than the way things did unfold the more unhappiness and pain I manifested in my life.
Mitch and I spent about 6 weeks apart. It was a really difficult time especially the fact it was over Christmas and New Years. We went from talking to each other every day when we were together to not speaking at all. The heartbreak was hard and painful but it was what we both needed. For a few weeks I struggled with many mixed emotions, some days I felt I had made the right choice and other days I was angry at myself because I had felt I made the choice to end things purely out of fear.
Eventually we started talking again every now and again until we started talking again every day. Things felt easy and the heaviness in my heart soon disappeared. We were connecting on a new and much deeper level and things felt so right. Eventually we decided to get back together. Fast forward and we have been back together for 3 months now, we didn’t plan it nor did either of us have the expectation that it would happen. I had truly opened up my heart and allowed myself to live in the moment and let go of any expectations I could have conjured up in my head.
Today we both connect and communicate from a place of love and respect for one another. Although it hasn’t been easy, and some days I still struggle with letting go completely however I am so incredibly grateful for this journey I have found myself on with Mitch. It has been soul awakening, allowing me to learn so much about myself.
Now every day I remind myself of the power of letting go. When my chest feels tight and I feel my emotions starting to bubble away I remind myself that the universe has a bigger and better plan for me that I could ever imagine. I trust myself to make decisions that FEEL right and that support my highest good. I have learned that I am worthy and I have the power to either cling on to expectations and feel the pain of not experiencing what I thought I should, or I could let go and feel the magic of life unfolding just as it is intended without my need to always be in control.
Today life feels lighter, more enjoyable and a lot more peaceful.
Inside my mind I am no longer raging a war with expectations that I have for myself and my life and how my life is unfolding in reality. Life is filled with more ease and enjoyment and I am finding my feet living with less control. I have seen some big shifts in other areas of my life too, work, my blog, my coaching business and the space I create to look after myself too have come with greater ease all just from the power of letting go.
We all have the ability to be more open to the unknown. We can lean into those uncomfortable feelings and experience the ease of living life in the present without fear or judgement. When we chose to let go we have the ability to transform and create big shifts in our lives.
How has the power of letting go transformed your life? I would love to hear your thoughts below.