Lately I've been feeling very stuck in all areas of my life, in particular my job, relationship, my blog and even my studies. It feels like everything has been happening all at once and rather than trying to deal with these issues I felt huge resistance instead. I decided to get stuck in the feelings that I felt in relation to my problems, which ultimately created a negative experience of the lessons the universe was trying to teach me.
It all started a couple of weeks ago, I was angry at the universe when things felt like they were falling apart in my life. I was left wondering why it was all going to wrong, I just didn't understand why?
After taking the time to reflect on my life and all that was happening I had a realisation.
What if I had it all wrong?
Maybe rather than everything going wrong maybe it was actually going right?
Maybe it was my way of thinking that was all wrong!
See I was playing into the idea that I was a victim-a victim of the things that were happening in my life. I was crying a lot, blaming myself for things and feeling hopeless for my situation. I was totally letting fear get in the way of my intuition and all that it was telling me to do. It wasn't telling me how to react out of fear but it was gently guiding me in the right direction out of love and respect for myself.
I was also resisting change for a long time. Purely due to the fact that I didn't know what was going to happen next and for me (the massive control freak that I am) that just wasn't an option I could fathom. Not to mention I was creating resistance, self pity and negativity in my life which was only making it worse. I became more stuck in my situation and more frustrated with the people in my life, I was totally going against myself.
The minute I realised I was playing the victim I realised the outcome was never going to be positive. I was making life harder for myself because I allowed it to.
The reason why all of these things became a problem in my life was because I wasn't being myself. I had once again become scared to stand up for myself and accept who I am and what I stand for in order to make other people happy. I felt the need to please everyone around me to ensure their happiness without ever thinking about myself. What happened was that I was making myself miserable at the expense of everyone else's happiness.
So why was I doing this? Why did I feel I had to please everyone else rather than myself?
Well it all came down to a fear that I created as a child. I was 7 years old and I had just moved to Australia from Germany with my family. I couldn’t speak a word of English and I was scared of the new environment I had found myself in. I look back at this experience and understand that anyone especially a 7 year old child would feel scared and insecure going through such a major life changing experience. I don’t blame myself for feeling these insecurities I think anyone in that position would have probably done the same. And so from there I created this story in my head that I wasn’t going to fit in, feel included, that people would not understand me or that people would like me! What a negative and fearful story I had created!
As the years passed my insecurities only grew and the feeling of wanting to be accepted by others became increasingly stronger. I felt like I was constantly jumping hoops for others to make sure they would be happy so that maybe, just maybe they would then like me. I felt resentment and anger kick in when I realised that I wasn’t making myself happy. It became a vicious cycle of pleasing others and a growing dissatisfaction within me. This cycle played out in many friendships and relationships in my life.
Looking back now I realise that by trying to make everyone else happy I was only making myself unhappy. I realised that we can’t control the happiness of others, we can only ensure we create happiness in ourselves. When we create this positive space it will manifest itself in all areas of our lives.
To put it simply-
We create our reality.
Growing up and even in my adult life it was difficult for me to accept other peoples responses when I was criticised for being too emotional or “too sensitive”. I would try and tell myself to stop being like that. Clearly there was something wrong with me right?! When things happened in my life that made me angry or sad or any way emotional I would tell myself to not be emotional or show anyone how I was feeling because of the criticism of other people. For me this became a very negative way to deal with my feelings and in turn meant that I was not allowing myself to be my true self.
When I look back now I understand that people can feel uncomfortable and unsettled at being around someone who was sharing their emotions and feelings quite freely when they themselves struggle with expressing their emotions. When someone shares their emotions and feelings it can often bring up personal stuff in the other person which they may be dealing with or even trying to avoid. I used to worry when this would happen because being the people pleaser that I was I wouldn’t want to upset or hurt anyone’s feelings even if it meant I was hurting myself.
I have learned that I can’t control how others feel nor can I stop myself from expressing myself.
I am learning to embrace who I am; the crazy, emotional, sensitive and assertive person that makes me, me.
I am learning to love and accept myself for who I am and not who others want me to be.
Standing up for yourself and what you believe in does not mean that you are rude or nasty when dealing with others; it just means you believe in yourself and what you stand for and make yourself priority. You express yourself in a way that is authentic and accept that some people may not like who you are and that’s ok because you can’t please everyone. You understand that when people don’t accept who you are or how you deal with things it’s not a personal attack more often than not if it is their own stuff that is making them react a certain way. It means knowing what you want in life and going for it whole heartedly and unashamedly.
I would love to hear your thoughts. Have you sacrificed your own happiness in order to make others happy? When did you realise it was affecting your own happiness?
Love Jasmin xx